Matt on the Move

Snow

2011-04-23T12:26:00.001-04:00

Snow, for real. Snow. Here we are, almost in May and it's still snowing here in New England. I'd like to say that I'm a patient person, but in this case, enough is enough. You're killing me mother nature. Killing. Me. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Main St,Brattleboro,United States

Exhausted

2011-04-07T18:17:00.001-04:00

I am exhausted this week. Between large projects, meetings, and the like I find that I'm just feeling totally drained. I could sleep for a week and still not have any energy. Which is sad... The sun is shining outside, the days are longer and warmer than they have been in what feels like an eternity... And I'm just totally exhausted. Maybe training tonight will help, I certainly hope that it does.

Location:Appian Way,Keene,United States

Cell Phone Bail

2011-04-05T23:49:00.001-04:00

It would be unfair to say that I hate my phone, but I hate my phone. I'm using an early HTC android phone on Sprint's network, and it just sucks. Sucks so much that I think I may just bail on a cell phone all together. I'm pretty happy with an iPad as a larger device for getting to the web, and with google voice I think that an iPod touch and a mifi could suit my needs. I still need to think about figuring out voice stuff, but data I really all I care about these days... I fact, for the most part I'd rather not talk on the phone.

Location:High St,Brattleboro,United States

Morningns

2010-04-08T07:23:00.000-04:00

You know, it's a funny thing reading the Internet these days. Tablets are all we can talk about, or write about for that matter. I don't thing that's bad, in fact I find it tremendously interesting. Even more interesting is that a company introduces a device is burdened with explaining why it has merit. If you're not interested, don't buy it... Maybe it's right for you, maybe it isn't... But don't ask the book to prove to you why it happens to be useful despite the fact that it lacks the features you want.

Sent from my tablet

Friday Night

2009-08-28T20:52:00.000-04:00

Oh my

Heck yes

2009-08-24T12:01:00.000-04:00

The plane boss, the plane

2009-08-24T10:01:00.002-04:00

Monday is Skydiving day.

It'll soon be time to get geared up and strapped in for a wild and crazy ride.

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

Neglect

2009-08-19T09:33:00.002-04:00

I've been neglecting this blog. I've been neglecting my big boy blog too. I've got great excuses, and rationalizations for days. I could go on and on about woes and worries, or about triumphs and distractions. I keep looking for ways to fit more hours in the day, cram more into each minute... Somehow cope with this nagging reserve of exhaustion that won't go away.

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

24 Hour Play Festival

2009-08-15T19:27:00.000-04:00

Planet Ku baby, oh yeah

And Here We Go!

2009-06-29T08:45:00.003-04:00

The summer has started... And in a wave of crazy. Every summer I forget what it is to run at a break neck pace for six weeks hardly breathing all while keeping the smile going non-stop. I can't say that it gets harder, just that with each additional year that I do this I am more amd more aware of how taxing it is. And taxing it is in spades.

Crap... Short schedules today, nearly time for the next class - so much for a chance to sit down.

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

So checked out

2009-06-25T17:58:00.003-04:00

Angry and grumpy are what I am right now... Angry and grumpy embodied. I'm so done. So frustrated. So tired of making things work.

I'm just letting myself sit in a bad mood right now. I've gotta break out of this, gotta find some positives... Gotta turn this frown upside down.

Maybe I should start by actually getting a night of sleep that was more than 4 hours long.

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

Flowers

2009-05-29T17:05:00.002-04:00

I bought a girl flowers... Sometimes you just gotta buy a girl some flowers.

It's been a full day. Working from home this morning and afternoon, organization work for something next weekend, reading, and now a drive to northern Vermont for a show.

This week has been so full of discoveries and realizations, so overflowing with new acceptance for who I am... Readings of old journals, and unwindings of complex knots.

Last nights light bulb moment: I am self critical to a fault, and have spent too much time cursing myself rather than celebrating being alive.

It's driving time soon

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

Oh dear

2009-04-30T19:16:00.002-04:00

This is so so rough

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile
device :)

Home

2009-04-24T21:15:00.001-04:00

This is the California I remember from my childhood... The rolling hills and endless sky. Beautiful.

I hate to break it to you

2009-04-23T03:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Crazies,

I know it may be a rough pill to swallow, but the world does not revolve around you. In fact, sometimes I don't even think about you... Actually, sometimes I've gone out of my way to distance myself from you. Maybe I'm being too subtle. Maybe you don't take a hint. Maybe the fact that we fundamentally disagree on the things I hold close to my heart hasn't occured to you. I know what you want, and I'm not willing to give it anymore. I'm sorry, but my time is valuable and you just aren't a return investment. At least not for me. It doesn't mean that I hate you, it doesn't mean that your a bad person, it doesn't entitle you to be bitchy and send angry text messages, in fact all it really means is that I moved on with my life. I'm sorry, but you should do the same. I know that your hurt and struggling, but it's not for me to fix you. Let the past be the past, forge ahead, really it's okay.

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

Interviewing

2009-04-16T12:21:00.001-04:00

Interviewing is an exhausting process... It seems like all I do is ask the same questions, all the while harboring the desperate hope that someone is going to really engage me in conversation and wow me.

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

The Longer Days

2009-04-14T19:03:00.001-04:00

The longer days are here at last and it's wonderful to have sunshine that lasts so late. Sadly, as the days get longer and longer, my laundry list of work also gets longer and longer. Soon I'll be on California for a week, I'm going to force myself to do nothing but read and relax. I think it will be a lot of what I need before another summer is here.

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

Emergency Event Training

2009-04-10T16:30:00.002-04:00

Attending a meeting on health and safety prcedures in emergencies. With any luck this will be informative and valuable, though it is sometimes difficult to judge how these things are going to be.

Evidently I'm a student. Kill me.

Only male in this meeting.

Nearly the youngest here... Only one person younger.

Everyone can help in an emergency situation... What revolutionary ideas.

Staff meeting planning... I can't wait to bring this up next week.

The Office and YouTube as training tools. We are in the 21st century.

Do I have a survivor's mindset?

Yes, please take off your socks and put your feet on my shoulder... GROSS!

If someone comes after you, kill the mother fucker!!! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Please don't think for yourself... Follow orders, and be compliant.

Are you an injustice collector?

Time, place, context...

The worst thing is to do nothing.

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

Haha

2009-04-02T13:27:00.001-04:00

The Wall

2009-04-02T13:14:00.001-04:00

I've hit a wall. Leaving a professional development conference which I did support work for has left me exhausted. Part of that is late night networking, part of that is the support role mentioned, part of that is the presentation I gave with a co-worker. There is so much about the Internet that I take for granted... Simply knowing the jargon for net surfing and social networks is far beyond the reach of so many. This week taught me so much about how we need to talk with people to get them excited about the future. We need to embrace change with open arms, with gusto, fearlessly running full steam ahead. Caution is important, but stubborn resistence won't get us anywhere

Excuse the typos and short messages, this was sent from my mobile device :)

Really

2009-04-02T01:18:00.000-04:00

Honestly, I can't believe that this is my life

Excuse the typos and I short messages, this was sent from my mobile
device :)

Contra Dance

2009-03-13T22:26:00.002-04:00

Here I am in Greenfield at a contra dance. What an interesting experience this continues to be. I've come to a few of these now, and they never cease to interest me. I wonder how you could use this in a show. Demand that the audience participate? Force the performers to do new things each night? This is such a unique cultural artifact. It reminds me that dance exists in many forms, both formal and informal. To see so many people dance at an event like this really does amaze me, if only for the overwhelmingly fearless attitude of the participants. They've come to dance, and follow the caller gleefully lost in the experience of being with others. Why doesn't the world have more of this?

Sent from my iPhone

Irony

2009-03-02T18:29:00.002-05:00

I just composed a longish mobile blog only to loose it before it was posted... Much of what I talked about centered around why it's been so long since I wrote much... Only to loose what I wrote. Haha

Sent from my iPhone

Mornings

2009-02-04T08:30:00.001-05:00

It's yet another morning here at MRHS. I'm a little worried that my students didn't get their passes today, but there is no way to check that right now. This school is so frustrating some days. Inhale, exhale.

Sent from my iPhone

Another Author to Investigate

2009-01-26T10:33:00.001-05:00

Margaret Visser

Sent from my iPhone

Cup of tea for MLK

2009-01-19T13:18:00.003-05:00

The day has been quiet, starting late and characterized by warm sheets and some sun after cloudy cold snow days. I stopped by the post office and did my good deeds for the week. Letters to family, and a package for my dad. I'm in such a funk lately. Who am I? What do I want? Where should I be? What should I do? I'm having a late lunch today with a lovely young woman who blew me off months ago for another boy. I'm compelled by kindness to only offer the best inside of me... Compassion and understanding in exchange for ruthless behaviors. That's an overstatement for this situation, but it is the trend I find myself repeating. Kindness, always. I can only hope that my own choices will someday be contagious. I was recently talking with a wonderful coach. He was saying that it takes roughly 10,000 hours of practice to be good at something. What does 10,000 hours of kindness and compassion look like? How does it change you?

Sent from my iPhone

Ice ice baby

2009-01-15T10:07:00.000-05:00

Now those are some icicles!

Oh what a Trip is Christmas

2008-12-25T19:22:00.001-05:00

This has certainly been an interesting trip! I've gotten to hear the story of how my dads met, and dated, and the transition for them into getting married. I've gotten to tell some stories, though I still have more to tell, enjoyed a walk with my dad, drinks with my other dad, shoveled snow (makes me feel like home), and all manner of insanities small and large. All in all it's been a wonderful trip, though hard at times. I've gotten to hear some of my dads perspective about the divorce, and gotten some words of remorse about how I was raised... I've cried a bit, and laughed a bit, and started the slow process of letting some old wounds heal. It's been good, it's been hard, it's been more than I expected. I realize now that my mother is stronger than I ever realized... Strong enough to face hate and tears, and follow her heart in what she thought was right... Right for her, for her lost and struggling husband, and for her scared child. I've learned that there are a lot I things that I've gotten from my father... Some of my sense of patience, compassion, and care. I have great strenghts and great weaknesses that have come from both of my parents. I realize that I push both of them to change, and that one of my great gifts to them has been my love... Two people so afraid that they ruined a child sometimes need reminding that I came out just fine, and that I'm happy with me even if the road to this place was long and hard. I'm reminded again and again that I'm full of love, and loved by many. This morning I threw up, sick with the thoughts stuck in my head (as well as a little too much whiskey). Christmas is a hard time, but I'm seeing more and more hope for the future... While that seems bleak, it's a big step for me, and I'll take what I can get. Bigger challenges lay ahead, but I feel confident that it's going to be alright. More and more I'm filled with love for the parents that brought me into this crazy world... Parents who are just people, fallible and human, worried and scared, passionate and convicted, beautiful and tragic, patient and short-tempered... I see myself in them, and I hope beyond hope that they can see themselves in me. They are both so proud in who I have become, and I hope they are proud of themselves too.

Sent from my iPhone

2Hours

2008-12-22T06:44:00.001-05:00

I slept for two hours last night. I made some friends, or rather met some people who I had a few drinks with. Today is looking a bit bleak as we all wait to find out if we can get on a flight or not. Getting up at 4 is rough business... If I can't get a flght to Seattle today maybe I can bounce through another airport. Adding insult to injury is the boil on the back of my leg. Gross. Nothing like having a throbbing puss filled welt that leaves you hobbling through the terminal. Somehow this is just the kind of Christmas that I've come to expect, and ironically I find myself laughing inbetween cursing my leg and the airline (United). What a ride this has turned into. Maybe I'll start reading aloud to people if I get the chance... It's better than being in the bitter barn, right?

Sent from my iPhone

Stranded

2008-12-21T20:38:00.002-05:00

United flight 917 has been cancelled. Reports from other passengers indicate that it may be the 24th before we get on another flight. Meanwhile 200 something people are in line to get hotel and meal vouchers and to be reassigned to other flights. How did I spend my Christmas? In the airport, I better come up with some fun games to pass the time.

Sent from my iPhone

Fly Away With Me

2008-12-21T10:42:00.003-05:00

Here I am getting ready to board a plane to see my family, wondering what I'm doing... What a trip this is gong to be. I have plenty to read, to watch, to listen to. It's going to be a good trip, I'm just nervous... Always nervous about these things at first.

Sent from my iPhone

Down it comes

2008-12-20T14:07:00.001-05:00

Here comes jack frost

2008-12-20T14:06:00.001-05:00

Snow snow snow

2008-12-20T14:05:00.001-05:00

In my ear

2008-12-10T16:37:00.000-05:00

More metal in my head...

Who are you?

2008-12-08T11:30:00.002-05:00

What a great question, Better still was, "what grade are you in?" Somehow high school lunch rooms always feel forced. This place is full of kids who know each other and distrust strangers, as they should. How is this my third year doing this and yet I still have trouble getting students to come see me? Boo

Sent from my iPhone

I WON!

2008-12-04T09:08:00.000-05:00

Really?! Who still believes these things?

I won! I won! I won!

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Cary Maxon" <carymaxon@gospellight.com>
Date: December 4, 2008 8:45:57 AM EST
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: Winning number: 05-11-13-17-44-48-25

Dear Email User,

This is to notify you that your email address has won £250,000.00 in the
UK National Sweepstakes Lottery.
It is a random computerized balloting.
Ticket no: 56475600545 188
Serial No:5388/02
Winning number: 05-11-13-17-44-48-25
Draw (#1055)

To file claims, Details Required for Verification:
1. Full Name
2. Address
3. Country
4. Age
5. Gender
To The Reference Agent Mr Darren Nelson (Reference Officer)
E-mail: darren-nelsondesk@hotmail.co.uk

Mrs. Cary Maxon
(Online Co-ordinator)

PLEASE SEND YOUR DETAILS TO : darren-nelsondesk@hotmail.co.uk Only

Shoes... On my god, Shoes

2008-11-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

God that's hot!

ubuntu

2008-11-25T14:27:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to solve a problem for work in a responsible and legal manner. Why does that sometimes prove to be more difficult? In this process, I'm installing ubuntu, and having the thrilling experience of install trouble shooting... Lucky me.

Sent from my iPhone

I wish... More than anything... More than words

2008-11-12T13:59:00.002-05:00

Senior projects can be a bear, but do they really have to be like pulling teeth? I'm mentoring a high school senior who has taken on producing a short musical as her Senior Project. This is a HUGE task, and I know that I'm hardly an easy mentor. I can't honestly say that I really care for the show. The Big Bad Musical is a rather reductive piece of drivel, if you ask me, that should run under an hour on stage. A short show was a good chide for the student, but it is still going to have large scale challenges attached to its production. With any luck it'll turn out okay, time will tell.

Sent from my iPhone

Dreary Day

2008-11-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

Pano-Dreary

Grampa Dominic

2008-11-08T21:52:00.001-05:00

Do that dance you sassy man

The Day After

2008-11-05T10:04:00.002-05:00

What a day this is... What a feeling I get from people as they talk about last night. There is something between joy and relief that the election is finally over. Last night I cried as our president elect gave his speech. Like many other people, I finally feel as though my voice was heard in this country... One Twitter-er said it best, " I feel like I just got my country back." I know that the road ahead is going to be a difficult one, and I know that there will be many sacrifices to be made, but I also cannot remember a time when I felt so inspired by, and hopeful for, our country. It is as though we finally took a big step in moving towards thinking about how to be inclusive... A step towards taking care of all Americans, not just a privileged few... A step towards a brighter future... The road will be long and hard, but at least we took the first step

Sent from my iPhone

Work Work Work

2008-11-04T15:26:00.001-05:00

Day in and Day Out

GM

2008-11-03T10:58:00.001-05:00

Sitting in a lunch room sucks

The Only Gay in the Village

2008-11-03T10:36:00.002-05:00

I think I've been acting like I was the only gay in the village. That's silly. It took a weekend of performing and partying to help me see that giving away your love is part of the solution. Embrace those you don't understand, embrace those that don't make any sense, embrace everyone and give your love freely... Then you start to see that it's not about being the only gay in the village, it's about knowing that you are a part of the village no matter what. Love is free, free is love. There is great peace in giving.

Sent from my iPhone

BF

2008-11-03T10:04:00.001-05:00

Sitting in a little room...

Sunday Morning

2008-11-02T10:54:00.000-05:00

Lazy day... Beautiful

Gross!

2008-10-31T20:39:00.000-04:00

Ewww or Awesome... You decide.

Married

2008-10-27T15:45:00.002-04:00

My dad and his partner got married in California today. I cried while I listened on the phone... It was beautiful and I'm nothing but happy for them. I'm so proud of my dad for taking this step.

Sent from my iPhone

Fat Men

2008-10-18T20:36:00.002-04:00

Fat Men In Skirts has a monologue that I need to use.

Gotta remember that.

Sent from my iPhone

Exhausted

2008-10-18T16:48:00.001-04:00

So exhausted. I train at a local gymnastics studio about once a week. I work on aerial fabric there. I managed to negotiate with the owner to train for free,divided that I work with one of his students. I think that I'm killing her. I'm a demanding coach, and I know it. So far she doing great, fabric is difficult business, and she's pushing hard to make things work. Today we trained for more than two hours. That's a long time on fabric upside down. I'm always amazed at how exhausted I am after getting down from the air. Defying gravity is fun stuff, but god damn is it just exhausting. Now it's time for pizza, beer, a movie and then a play. Looks like a good Saturday to me.

Sent from my iPhone

Walk

2008-10-17T09:45:00.000-04:00

Part of the walk to work.

Day to Myself

2008-10-16T12:45:00.002-04:00

Days off are beautiful. Totally beautiful. I'm actually not even sure what I'm going to do with the rest of it. I got up and went to a dance class, took a break to get a latte, soon I will head back to KSC for a rehearsal, then the rest of the day is up for grabs. I'm considering going to a show tonight, but I haven't made up my mind just yet. I should make a quality meal, do laundry, and clean up my life a bit. But what fun is that?

Sent from my iPhone

Marathon

2008-10-13T15:49:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow will be a marathon. 12+ hour days are hardly my favorite. Tomorrow I will be taking a group of students to see Colby-Sawer and PSU. The day starts at 6AM for me and will probably end about 7PM. I will miss a dance class and a circus class, putting me in a great mood. Dance and Circus are my limited opportunities to get out of my head, which is part of what makes it so difficult to miss them. I suppose it's just part of the role... Sacrifice, is good for you... Right? It must build character or something.

Sent from my iPhone

Fear Me!

2008-10-11T09:36:00.001-04:00

I am a dancing beast, FEAR ME and my wrath. Or not.

Trees on Fire

2008-10-10T09:46:00.000-04:00

Another for the collection of changing leaves.

Beautiful Day

2008-10-09T12:08:00.000-04:00

What a beautiful day here at Keene State.

Argh!

2008-10-07T16:26:00.002-04:00

The challenges I keep facing in the world are making me crazy. I keep thinking that I'm going to find some peace or direction only to hit road block after road block. What can I do but continue to fight tooth and nail for what I believe? Where will I be in a year? University of Pittsburgh? UC Berkeley? Stanford? Nowhere? Challenges are only opportunities to overcome disappointment, right?

Sent from my iPhone

Favorite Boy

2008-10-06T10:56:00.001-04:00

There are times in life when we are lucky enough to have truly amazing friends, and this is one of mine. This wonderful boy has been a close friend of mine since 2005. This past weekend we met and spent some time catching up and enjoying the company of one another. His face always makes me happy.

Friday

2008-10-03T16:15:00.001-04:00

The color and the cool weather are here and I feel like shit. Something between cold and virus has me in a death grip. That's an exaggeration. It's strange to be feeling cold again, it seems like so long since the air would bite at your fingers and cheeks.

I find myself truly fighting utter dispair about the condition of our country. Social, political, economic, energy policies and practice seem unchecked and on the brink of disaster. Maybe every generation has moments of doubt and worry, it just seems that we're doomed to be the victims of our own hubrice and avirace.

Return

2008-09-30T17:40:00.001-04:00

I don't know what this statement is mandating, only that it stood out as a grafiti artifact behind the building where I train for circus.

The Humanaties

2008-09-30T15:41:00.002-04:00

I think the humanaties saved my life. I recently had a wonderful opportunity to sit down and talk with a lovely human being. We talked about many interesting things, most interesting to me was a question I was asked after running through the abridged version of my life. I was asked, "how did you turn out the way you did... Considering your childhood and adolescence?" I answered the question, but the solution that I came up with just wasn't sufficient.

After thinking about it for a week now, I think it was the arts, and later the broad spectrum of the humanaties that truly shaped me into what I am today. Parents, extended family, educators, mentors and the like surely helped, but I think it was studying our history and art and beliefs and social structure and music and passions and and and that truly made me me.

We are eternal. Unless science fails us, we have always existed and always will. To understand this beautiful and recurrent idea (look at nearly any belief system) one must release ideas of self and ego. The particles that make up my atomic structure have always existed, though once they may have just been energy, and will continue to exist after me. I will live forever, my carbon and oxygen and iron and and and scattered here and there, in cars and houses and people and cats and trees and and and.

The humanaties saved me, ans the sciences guided me to peace. Salvation is education... The class room and the theatre are my church.

Sent from my iPhone

So Sad

2008-09-29T17:12:00.001-04:00

This is what the world will turn to all around me. As the winter comes the trees loose their leaves, reaching to the sky naked and exposed in the cold. You hear about how beautiful the color is, and yet the rest of the story is somehow left out... The longing and ache of arms held up to a gray and uncaring sky... Prayers that fall on deaf ears.

Nearly October

2008-09-29T13:18:00.002-04:00

The Color continues to appear day by day as a testament to the approaching changes. The world changes by degrees small and large and right in front of us. I wonder how long I will be able to compose these blogs during my walk into the office. Before too long it will be too cold.

One of the flat mates kissed a girl last night. He's been hanging out with a girl for a month now and finally got the courage to make a move. He is truly a sweet boy, and it makes me miss the days of my own innocense. Funny to think of the people we turn out to be.

Captain Kangaroo

2008-09-28T11:54:00.000-04:00

Life as a cat is nothing but rough.

Exhausted

2008-09-27T11:04:00.002-04:00

I'm just totally beat this morning. After a 12 day binge of working, this 13th day feels terrible. My plans for the day, post SAT prep workshop, include nothing terribly exciting. Laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and the like are bound to take up the rest of this day. I'm going to try and see a film, but my hopes of finding someone to join me are a bit slim.

This is truly a strange place, and as a 26 year old looking for company it's been even more maddening. I suppose that reads a bit like, "poor me, poor me," though that's not what I intended at all. I suppose that it just frustrates me that it is so difficult to find company within my current demographic... Though, admitidly, much of the blame belongs to me. I've chosen this job in this place; furthermore, I've chosen to abstain from family life, move away from relatives and pass on marriage and children. If I'm really going to start boo-hooing it would be worthwhile to consider the choices that have shaped my current state of affairs.

That all said, I'm not unhappy just longing for a bit of company. Captain Kangaroo fills that role nicely. More about him another time.

Sent from my iPhone

13... Great Number

2008-09-27T09:34:00.002-04:00

It's now been 13 days since I have has had a day off. Tomorrow is the fisrt day in two weeks that I have off. Now, I still have rehearsal, but I finally will not have to come into the office or run a workshop or focus group. Should I be impressed or disappointed that I've made it here to day 13?

More later.

Sent from my iPhone

Time Passes

2008-09-24T11:36:00.001-04:00

Here I am running home to pick up my car, grab a laptop to be repaired,and get ready for the numerous responsibilities I have today; yet I had to stop and take a picture of the leaves already collecting on the ground. It's warm right now, but the nights are getting cooler and the days are getting shorter.

I smell cigar smoke in the air.

It never ceases to amaze me that life is a never ending adventure. Why will the rest of today bring?

High in the Morning

2008-09-24T09:34:00.001-04:00

Good old High Street early in the morning. It's getting a bit crisp here already, though not too "fallish" just yet. The apartment was a cool 56 when I got up, but had warmed up to about 61 by the time I came downstairs to wait for my ride.

On today's agenda is a breakfast in Putney, VT. More on the morning with UVM later today in the other blog.

Learn About the World

2008-09-23T13:23:00.002-04:00

What is it to learn about the world? What is it to learn about yourself? Is there value in those pursuits? Where is love in all of that, and where is the community? How do I see myself as a part of everything working for the common good?

Sent from my iPhone

Killed it

2008-09-22T12:09:00.000-04:00

Oh how the mighty have fallen!

Thanks but no thanks

2008-09-22T11:05:00.000-04:00

Here I am, back in High School. Boo

Sunday Night

2008-09-22T09:34:00.002-04:00

Whoa. I can't help but marvel at my propensity for sometimes wreckless behavior. The wild child I turned into is a crazy man. Three people and a bottle if abseinth... Of course there were a few cigarettes, and lots of hard laughs. Was the good time worth the rough morning? Fuck yes.

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What I can't Appreciate

2008-09-20T15:56:00.001-04:00

This is the view from the shores of the lake where I'm working this weekend. I would love to have half an hour to stare out over the water, to listen to the waves lapping the shore, to revel in the cries of the crows from nearby.

I get to listen to the water for one more minute. Giving me exactly 10 minutes to myself. Oh what a world.

Jump!

2008-09-20T12:49:00.000-04:00

Climb the ladder, get buckled in, JUMP!

Sleepy Time

2008-09-20T00:20:00.000-04:00

Bed for the next two nights... Bring it world.

Leadership What?

2008-09-19T17:14:00.001-04:00

This weekend I'm working a leadership conference smack on the middle of the great state of Vermont. Lovely. My responsibilities put me somewhere between a grown up and being a robot... Kind of.

During the course of the weekend there will be several workshops and a ropes challenge course. We will eat some good food an have some lame conversations, though others will be very powerful.

Perhaps the hardest part of this weekend lies in the way that I interact with adults. Dare I say peers? I don't that I would say that, if only because I'm still so much younger than those other adults who work in my current field. They have traditional lives with spouses and children, and I feel strangely removed from what seems so important to everone else.

At any rate, I will be here... Wondering why...

Breakfast

2008-09-18T10:43:00.003-04:00

So, WTF?

This world is so bloody crazy, or maybe it's just me that's crazy. I purposfully left my lunch at home today with the intention of going to lunch at a place in downtown where a cute lady works. I've become a craigs-list missed connection. Hoping for something that obviously is silly seems somehow human and at the same time terribly sad. So instead of processing this, or coming up with something clever to say, or talking myself out of the whole affair, instead of doing anything like that I'm sitting with a cup of coffee and a bagel.

Big Questions according to Dacher Keltner

2008-09-16T10:57:00.004-04:00

What is the relationship between emotions and reason?

Are we responsible for our emotions?

Can you have an unconscious emotion?

What happens when you express an emotion?

What happens when you suppress an emotion?

Bringing Joy

2008-09-15T22:31:00.002-04:00

Circus teaches great lessons.

While you sweat your ass of in the most uncomfortable positions you can imagine, it is sometimes very difficult to remain positive. Very difficult. Really though, it's just pain... Just signals sent from your muscles to your brain as a signal for potential danger... Pain is really an illusion, it isn't really anythig but an electro-chemical signal. Given this truth, I have a good time. I make jokes, cheer people on, clap when we have to to push-ups, and generally find a way to survive and thrive in the miserable conditions. Why not?

After class today one of my fellow hand-standers looked at me and said, "thank you for lifting us up tonight." I responded with a few things about cognition and nero science with a smattering of "the power of positive thinking," and her response was, "yes, but you were the only one to cheer for us and offer some positive energy. Thank you."

Find joy. Even if you've had a shitty day... Find joy, and share it with others. We are all responsible for the world that we share, all responsible for helping to make this world better, for contributing in ways that add to happieness, even when that's sometimes hard.

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Huh?

2008-09-12T22:55:00.003-04:00

I can't help but wonder if it would be so bad not to be involved. All I really want is some physical contact on a regular basis. In some respects that's very achievable in terms of dance and circus. So why is it important to have someone to sleep with? Does it really matter? I know that it does, but at the same time I can't help but look for a way to justify the celibate life that I am facing. I don't want to feel ugly anymore. I can't help but feel untouchable in many cases, and that's really what kills me... A sense of being totally undesirable, ugly, and disgusting. I'm tired of feelin less than human. Hardly touched is hardly a way to live.

So what's the solution? Is it possible to just separate oneself from the human experience and focus on being a part of the whole? Part of the same fabric that unites us? All the same and all connected, can that reality erase the desire to feel someone in our arms? To feel lips pressed against your own? To feel love, hot and wet and slick... Would it be enough?

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Marc

2008-09-12T19:15:00.000-04:00

Bring it!

Rules of a marc concert

2008-09-12T16:58:00.000-04:00

Dominic:
Don't throw your underwear on stage!
Addendum:
Always know where you are and have a full tank of gas. (He gets
lost... A lot)

Crystal:
Is not allowed to slap a bitch... Like she wanted to at the Zach show.

Laura:
Don't lick the performers.

Matthew:
Be drunk, but don't eat the cherries.

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Cry Cry

2008-09-11T20:11:00.002-04:00

I hate to sound like a little bitch, but it's starting to get cool enough at night to warrent a jacket... That sucks.

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Sept. 11

2008-09-11T15:07:00.002-04:00

It's September 11th today, and I can't help but think about where I am now and where I was 7 years ago. How has it been 7 years? I was still at a junior college, dating someone miserable, and unsure of where my life was going. I drove to my girlfriend's house that morning. When I got inside I watched a TV down the hall as the planes hit the twin towers. It was so surreal. As we drove to class that morning we listened to the radio. All so sad. All so scary.

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Already

2008-09-10T08:47:00.000-04:00

Fall is right around the corner.

Sunset Drive

2008-09-09T19:06:00.000-04:00

Silly and scared

2008-09-09T00:14:00.002-04:00

I'm just a scared kid sometimes. No matter how much I learn, I still continue to fight with the same old fears... Am I good enough, will I ever be anything, what am I supposed to do, how am I to live.

Circus stretching teaches me through metaphor... There I was in the splits, miserable, sweating, feeling like my muscles were being pulled apart... I was resisting the stretch... Fighting myself... As soon as I fell into the stretch and let gravity take over I was fine.

I want so badly to understand, yet I am consistently unwilling to let go and just live. No matter how far you come, you still have far to go.

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Test

2008-09-08T23:27:00.001-04:00

Having some problems posting from mail... Testing

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Aweful tripe

2008-09-07T20:40:00.002-04:00

Rotten theatre. It always turns my stomach. I just saw a show called "This is the place of parting."

I apreciate where the author is trying to go, I simply think he went about it all wrong. Caught between science fiction and heroic myth, the play tries to resolve the primal fear of death. Kudos for the effort, but it just didn't work.

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Huh? How do I... Damn

2008-09-04T17:47:00.002-04:00

Implicit in my work with teenagers is the reality I complexity beyond immediate solution. That is to say that there are simply problems that I can't solve... Questions I can't answer... Challenges that I can not overcome.

That's a kind of reality that is difficult to process. We are so imperfect... All of us.

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Sittin... Thinkin

2008-09-03T21:13:00.002-04:00

Enjoying the night air is one of the things I know that I am soon going to miss as the weather starts to change. News around these parts is that we are going to have a decent Indian summer (is that still PC to say), though the leaves have already started to change.

I keep doing this single thing... I can't say that it's my favorite way to live, but at the same time I can't say that I am in any hurry to be saddled up... Shacked up... Or some other such thing. Despite the oddity of this bachelor life, I struggle with the expectations of my youth where I imagined that 26 would somehow mean a grown up life complete with house, car, and family. I just couldn't imagine then what life would turn out to be. Good or bad, I just imagined the world as different. None of that is to say that I am unhappy with the life that I now have... Rather, just to highlight that my organizational conception of my future was flawed and incomplete.

Now I can only wonder what I will say and think about this time in my life when I have grown up a bit more.

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Gag me

2008-09-03T12:59:00.000-04:00

Strange Compliments

2008-09-03T12:34:00.001-04:00

In the past two days I have received two interesting compliments... I think they were compliments.

In both cases I was told that by spending time with me that these individuals scope of the world was broadened. In one case it was only generally, the other case was specifically related to my display of sexuality.

I had a few very interesting discoveries this summer. One of which was the realization that all I really want to do in the world is share knowledge... I love to share, love it.

I can only hope that the future we are on the brink of discovering will be centered around the idea of community... Though I have my doubts. Perhaps the trick is to find a ballance between blind hope and cynical observation.

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For Elliott

2008-09-03T12:21:00.001-04:00

This monument to gravity was one of my friends favorite features on the college campus where I work. Something just for him today.

From the Deck

2008-09-02T19:13:00.001-04:00

Sunsets from the deck of 110

What is Porn Anyway?

2008-09-02T19:11:00.002-04:00

In a day and time when you can get to directories of filth and smut on your phone, how do we choose to define pornography? What I the limitation of artistic license? What's the definition of "hot" these days? The level of exposure for the average individual is terribly interesting to me. Can we say no when answers to questions of profanity are only clicks away? Are we any better for saying no? What's the social/moral benefit?

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Fallen

2008-09-01T10:06:00.001-04:00

The world has claimed another bright diamond from our world. My favorite sketchy laundramat has closed. The closest place to my apartment, and the first shady all night laundry place I have ever known.

Somehow it felt tragic on a bright day. I saw the owners and their family leave town yesterday. As much as the world is small stories about individuals it's also heroic tales of titans... Or those who wish they could be.

Sunflower

2008-08-31T18:59:00.000-04:00

It's been a beautiful day here in Keene. Blue skies and sunflowers.
There is so much I still don't understand, in fact I would even go so
far as to say that I don't understand most things. Not in a practical
sense, but in the way that one understands a whole forest and not just
a single fallen leaf.